Venom of my Being

So afraid of feeling like this. I always get myself involved with situations that are difficult or some obstacle in making things work. I know I am my own obstacle in itself. And a lot of it is from being paranoid/scarred from my ex mentally and emotionally.

I’ve realized the hardest part about being an adult is realizing that the ideal romance doesn’t exist. Its a hard piece to swallow but to this day I am finding myself still imagining a super sweet and funny guy, no complicated marital status, old fashioned, plays guitar and sings songs to me, doesn’t try to give me body-punishing sex, writes me, doesn’t look at me like meat on a hook, likes most of my music..etc

Sounds stupid I know. Especially cause I’ve been “tainted” but these were the things I wanted before I even kissed a guy. I would still like them but I don’t feel like I deserve them because of how much I’ve changed. I wish I could be pure again. I might close myself off soon. Might do the boy haircut or try and look unattractive as possible.

Courtney Love is my hero. She personifies nearly everything I find admirable in a woman, and certainly everything I find admirable in a rock star.

My interest in Love and her band Hole came about in a strange way. I had never really paid much attention to her until I found myself reading Marilyn Manson’s autobiography, “The Long Hard Road Out of Hell.”

In the book, there’s a small scene in which Manson describes Love bursting onto his tour bus and saying to the girls onboard, “You don’t need to be on this bus. You should get a keyboard and start your own band. Then these guys’ll be on your bus.”

I found this scene so profoundly inspirational that I swiftly picked up Hole’s breakthrough album “Live Through This.”

The record was released in 1994 and is completely ahead of its time in terms of feminist themes.

“Asking for It” brilliantly comments on rape culture with lines like, “Was she asking for it? / Was she asking nice? / If she was asking for it, / Did she ask you twice?”

Hole unfortunately falls into the category of bands whose female musicians are constantly considered good — for girls. In reality, Hole is a great band.

The songs are pleasing to the ear, the lyrics are solid, the political commentary is there and Love’s personality translates into great stage presence.

It’s not just her musical talent that I admire so much. Love is strong, brave and sure of herself.

It’s a good thing she is because, for any woman to attempt to have a successful career in rock ‘n’ roll without polishing up their image or changing their personality, there will be plenty of opposition.

Love has been treated horribly throughout the years. It’s not uncommon for people to call her a bitch, a whore, a hot mess or any number of gender-specific insults. I have become suspicious that everyone who hates Love without a valid reason does so because of some deep-rooted misogyny.

She has done some questionable things over the years, of course. But what rock star hasn’t made some lapses in judgment and publicly embarrassed themselves at some point?

Love has had problems with drug and alcohol abuse and has been open about her sexuality. These are things that are more or less expected of male rock stars — see Ozzy Osbourne and Axl Rose — yet she is somehow judged more harshly.

It’s almost as if she doesn’t care about the double standard we’re trying to enforce over her.

Love has been accused of being a bad mother.

John Lennon admitted to beating his first wife, Cynthia, and having a completely distant relationship with his son, Julian. Bob Marley had at least 11 children from different mothers, and some are not even acknowledged to this day.

These men are still considered seminal geniuses despite the flaws on their records, and rightfully so. The public is not so forgiving to women.

It’s not even uncommon for people to accuse Love of murdering her husband, which offends me the most.

Kurt Cobain struggled with drug addiction just like Love did. But because she was the woman in the family, it was expected that she take care of everyone despite her personal problems.

When Cobain died, Love was expected to care for their young daughter by herself, overcome her own addictions and cope with the death of the love of her life, all in the media spotlight and with Nirvana fans accusing her of murder.

This is why Love is my hero. She is an inspiration to feminism, a balls-to-the-wall rock star and an altogether brave, outspoken and intelligent woman.

We should all be so lucky.

by: Casey O’Lear

Monday, January 31, 2011 - 6:22 PM

B

Depending how long I have to wait I’m going to seriously try my hardest to get into much better shape. I have to force down my herbalife shakes once a day.

On a second note I just wanna curl up in my bed and not come out of my room for a few days. My chest feels weird and I have become somewhat anti social. Hopefully gym helps me feel better.